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The first year after our loss

8/23/2015

13 Comments

 
It is hard to explain the grieving process.

Denial, sadness, guilt, depression, and then recovery.

That would be the simplest way to put it.

When I first heard my son Nathan had officially passed away, I knew it was a fact, a reality, but I did not completely comprehend it until 2 days later when I had my first real and uncontrollable meltdown about the situation. Afterwards, every day for about a month, I woke up in tears, spend most of my day in tears and went to bed in tears. I wanted to pretend it never happened, to forget it all so that I may once again see the bright side of things, strive be a help to those around me, an encouragement, and a blessing. Everything we had envisioned and planned to do on our first year on the mission field seemed to suddenly vanish. We were now faced with different circumstances and had to adjust quite fast to our new and unwanted situation.Yet, in all our feeble feeble attempts to move forward, all I could do was think of my son. 

Colors. Animals. Sounds. Feelings. Pictures. Locations. Food.

Everything around me made me think of Nathan- I simply couldn't get away from it no matter how hard I tried to focus on other things.Every possible scenario happening around us would bring me back to the delivery room. I’d spend the next few moments dwelling on the events of that wonderful, yet horrible day- envisioning his pretty little face, feet and hands, reliving the moment when we received the news from the doctor that he had breathed his last breath, the moment of denial that followed, and the intense sadness it had lead to, and was continually happening. 

That day and every detail of it is still as real and fresh in my mind as if it had happened a few moments ago.

So, you may ask, how did you ever get over it and move on?

Well, that is just it. I didn’t. I’ve learned you cannot “get over” something like this. It is an obstacle that must be gone through and lived through every day. Learning to live through it is what I’ve had to do, and what Stephen and I are still doing everyday.

I’ve chosen not to remove it from my mind, hoping to forget all about it. Instead, I try to rely on God for comfort when the reality and pain of the situation hits hard. I don't want to forget Nathan, to loose that memory, no matter the amount of pain that is attached with it- I just want to be able to Glorify and exalt God’s name through the situation. That is not a one time task- it is a daily struggle.

I’ve chosen to allow the pain of the memories to stay because they are also memories of joy. I’ve chosen not to forget because I don't want to forget how God worked such a miracle in my life, my husband’s life, and how he used our son’s short life to encourage others. Different things happening will make me cry, for what others may think to be no good and valuable reason at all. For those around us who do not know of our grief, they do not understand our sudden bursting into tears or our refusal to participate in certain activities because we are struggling through the day. They do not understand our want and need to sometimes talk or not talk about our loss. We have been trusted with this invisible burden which we will carry all our lives. This pas year, God has helped me through my many feelings of anger, anxiety, guilt and sadness- and He continually has to keep helping me through them. I’ve very often thought: “Could I have done anything to prevent this? Why me? I really don’t want to deal with these emotions today. What if it happens again? what if I never have another child? I just want to be normal and have children like everyone else, not bearing burdens”

I wouldn't wish this on anyone. I also wouldn't trade what has happened in my life through Nathan’s death because I’ve learned what it is like to live daily solely relying on God’s provisions, help, comfort and love. It has been the hardest journey and learning experience i’ve ever faced, but it has also been rewarding to my spirit and to my personal walk with the Lord.

Relying on Him as I seeked to find real joy again was a difficult task, and on certain days, it is still a difficult task.

As I am sure any mother would, I still long to hold Nathan, to put him to sleep, to wash his clothes and pick up his toys. I still imagine what our home would be like with a child’s fingerprints all over the walls, what it would be like to have completely different routine than the one we have at the present moment. But, with God’s help, I am not depressed about it. I have not let this situation change the course and plans God has for my life. I have refused to use it as an excuse to do nothing, to blame others for my circumstances, to ruin my marriage or to change the course of my life for the worse. I try to think and dwell on good things and to count my blessing instead of my losses.

You never forget these types of things, but you can be comforted through them. I can say God has truly comforted Stephen and I this past year. He has used so many to bring us joy, to make us think on Him and his goodness to us. It may have taken a little bit of time, but we eventually learned to laugh again! To all those who have helped us heal and have taken the time to pray, write, send packages and notes- thank you! Please, do keep praying for us- August 25th is a day we will have to face again very soon, and every year after, with the same emotions. Please pray the Lord gives us strength and comforts us again.

How very true Matthew 5:4 has been to us this past year.

 “blessed are they that mourn for they shall be comforted”

-Julie K.

13 Comments
Jayanthi Anantharaj
8/23/2015 04:23:13 am

Praying Julie for you both today! God bless y'all, our love to both of you!

Reply
Lou Ann Keiser link
8/23/2015 05:16:05 am

Lovely post. I've been praying for you this year as I see your name. God bless you and comfort you.

Reply
Sam & Justine
8/23/2015 05:18:22 am

Even though we are across the world, know that we love you and are praying for you! God has and is still using this for His glory! We miss you and wish we could be there for you but the Lord knows....He is the God of all comfort!

P.S. Hugs and kisses from your nephew and nieces! 😘😘😘

Reply
Casey
8/23/2015 05:28:28 am

Praying for you! Your testimony has been to amazing, and God is so beautifully shining through you both!!!

Reply
Dad Knickerbocker
8/23/2015 05:28:31 am

Dear Julie and Stephen,

I still et choked up when I think of the loss of our first born son. Still born in August of 1986. The comforting and the hope is what we hang on to! they help us through so many other things in life. I love you both dearly and know that God used this to grow you into the wonderful people that you are. keep the focus and God will honor your worship.
lovingly ,

DAD

Reply
Ryan and Jess
8/23/2015 06:16:46 am

Stephen and Julie.
We are praying for you both, that God would strengthen you everyday and that you continue to hold on to His promises. Your testimony is helping and encouraging so many people including us. We love you guys. Keep looking to Jesus.
Love- Ryan and Jess Combs

Reply
Linda
8/23/2015 06:21:03 am

Julie, Stephen
May God bless you and keep you.
His mercies are new every morning!
"Great is Thy fairhfullness"

"Near The Cross"
A mighty fortress is my God,
He is my buckler, my high tower, my
fortress, my rock. . . . . . My shield

There is Joy in knowing Jesus! May you findpeace, and comfort in His loving arms!!

Reply
Brother Danny & Darleen Whetstone
8/23/2015 06:56:33 am

We are grateful to labor along side of the two of you. We have had many trials in our life but never the loss of a child. We are blessed for the amazing strength and encouragement you have been to us! The Lord knows each step we must go through and goes there with us. We will continue to pray and will ask the Lord to meet every need that you may have. Love, The Whetstone's

Reply
Mary Amuro
8/23/2015 11:00:19 am

Julie, I have been praying for you and for Stephen through out the year. I also have enlisted my friends in many churches through out the United States including Hawaii where a large portion of my heart still resides. Sweethearts, I still feel so much sadness and grief for you both. The pain you folks have learned to endure and get through is beyond unimaginable.I remain so terribly sorry that you both have to go through something so terrible. I know with a certainty, that even in the years to come that his sadness will never leave either of you. As with everyone else I have no idea why this tragedy happened to you folks. I do know though without a doubt that God is good and that He loves you both and he has slanderous plan and purpose for your lives which he is already is accomplishing. I love you both and as long as there is breath in me, you folks and your ministry will always be in my prayers.

Reply
Marge Charboneau
8/23/2015 10:51:53 pm

I have read and prayed your posts. My parents' first child died at birth and I was born 5 years later. She was always talked about and when I became a Christian at age 33, I had the peace of knowing that she is with the Lord and I will meet her there and get to spend eternity with her. For now I sometimes wonder if God took her home to avoid something terrible in her life, but complete trust in God's perfect timing has allowed me to leave that in His care. Marge from Rochelle Illinois. friends of Jeremie and Damaris Dodeler

Reply
HENNEQUIN Isabelle
8/24/2015 05:57:45 pm

Bonjour les enfants
Je pense à vous en ce jour et j'espère que vous allez bien tous les deux. Maman qui vous aime

Reply
Barbara Labbe
8/25/2015 03:55:40 am

Julie, your post reminds me of a poem that helped me through my own grieving process in the past and in times of trial:

WHAT GOD HATH PROMISED

God hath not promised skies always blue,
Flower-strewn pathways all our lives through;
God hath not promised sun without rain,
Joy without sorrow, peace without pain.

God hath not promised we shall not know
Toil and temptation, trouble and woe;
He hath not told us we shall not bear
many a burden, many a care.

God hath not promised smooth roads and wide,
Swift, easy travel, needing no guide;
Never a mountain rocky and steep,
Never a river turbid and deep

But God hath promised strength for the day,
Rest for the labor, light for the way,
Grace for the trials, help from above,
Unfailing sympathy, undying love.

The Lord is using you in ways you may not even know about! Praying for your strength and healing!
Love, Barbara

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